Friday, February 4, 2011

Ed Steckly

The suffering has ended.  You're not in pain anymore.  You're fishing with your brother and brother in law and eating all the cheezies you want. When it's raining I know it's you and the fish fighting over where the fish gets to go, knowing full well that eventually it will end up in your stomach.  Maybe sauteed in a little butter. 

As I sit here writing this to you, knowing that in just three days we'll be seeing you sleeping peacefully for the first time in a long long time, I think back to all the memories you have given me.  From the visits to you in the house out on the highway, when you would give me extra treats that mom and dad said no to,  Or the nights we had to stay over and we sat quietly watching the news to the fishing trips out on the lake in the boat. 

As a young girl of 12 when mom and dad split, you stepped in and tried to keep things alright and semi normal for David and I.  Taking us out on the boat in the summer at the lake.  Letting us visit with you as much as we could. Taking a special interest in us, two of your grandchildren who didn't have their father at that moment.

You've always been such a strong man.  The strongest man I've ever known.  Stronger than even my own father.  You were the matriarch of the family, holding us all together. 

I didn't want to let you go.  I know I wasn't to the Nursing home to see you very much but I was like mom, an emotional wreck, and it was hard to see you deteriorating the way you were with every passing moment.  I wanted to remember the strong man that once you were, that would load and unload the boat with your two grandchildren onboard.  You did that all on your own.  The one who helped David break into a trailer when neighbours locked their keys in their trailer.  

When the call came that everyone was called back to the nursing home I could only think of getting to your side.  I couldn't touch you at first.  But I did hug and kiss you before I left.  When I found out I asked the baby I lost to come and help you find your way.  I know now that you will watch over him and teach him the things I couldn't, the things you taught me, I think about the fishing trips that you and your brother and brother in law will take with my baby Lucas.  I know he's in wonderful hands and that none of you are suffering anymore.  

I will see you when this life for me is over.  I love you Grandpa and will miss you.  I'm glad to have had you for pictures for my wedding, and that you got to see my son.  I know you're watching over us all now and will be shaking your head at some of the things you do.  I know you weren't strict so much as you were trying to protect us all.  

Love you forever and always.

Staying strong and mourning at one time

No one ever said life was easy. Sometimes you don't get an easy start from the beginning and each day is a struggle just to survive.  Other times you start out strong, both physically and emotionally and by the time your number has come up you're weaker in mind, body and soul. 

I realized all of this this week.  Tuesday afternoon I got a text from my brother asking me if I was with my mom, whom I assumed was at work.  Wrong! He then proceeds to tell me that he got a call from my aunt saying that everyone was called to go to the nursing home, apparently grandpa wasn't doing well. A little bit later my aunt called and told me what was happening and said I could go up.  I had 45 minutes at this point before the child got off the bus.  I decided I'd go to dad's to tell Alex what was happening, then maybe go up to the nursing home for a little bit.  Glad I did. 

Wednesday was the snow storm (not that it was much of one) of 2011, so Alex had a snow day. I didn't make it to see Grandpa again.  All day Wednesday I was saying that after Leo got home I'd go up and see him.  Something held me back, something told me he'd be alright and I'd go up on Thursday with mom if she went up. By then it would be to late. 

Thursday night I went to bed around midnight only to be woken 4 hours later by the phone ringing.  Unfortunetly Leo got hit cause he didn't hear the phone and it was on his side.  As soon as he said it was mom's I knew it was over.  Grandpa had left this world and all of us behind.

I'm happy he's done suffering, and out of pain.  I'm not one to go to church, yes I believe there is another being out there but what or who it is I can't say.  Tuesday I looked out the window and told Lucas, my second son who unfortunetly was lost before he was born, that he could come and take papa. 

Can I just say that Alzheimer's is a BITCH!  My recomendation to everyone, no matter how many people read this blog, is take pictures of your loved ones as much as you can.  I don't have many pictures of my grandfather and I regret that.  I'm making sure now that when I go to see my dad I'll be taking the camera.

Grandpa Steckly. Will miss you everyday.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Life.....or something like it.

We all start out as a helpless child, unable to eat without someone feeding us, most cases holding a bottle for us, or if you're a breast fed baby holding a boob.  We grow we learn to do things on our own, using the potty, dressing ourselves and fending for ourselves.  Later still we get older, become a senior and sometimes, we end up reverting back to that first helpless child stage.

Such is the case with my grandfather.  He started out a helpless child, and that's how he's leaving us.  Dealing with Alzheimer's.  I received a text from my brother this afternoon, thinking it was my alarm telling me it was time to get another child off the school bus.  He texted me to see if I was with mom. Right away alarm bells started ringing in my head.  Somethings wrong.  Why would he need to know if I was with my mother at 2:30 in the afternoon?  He then told me that my worst fears were correct.  He told me that my aunt called him to tell him that the nursing home called to call the family there to be with my grandpa. I hadn't heard the news yet and I'm left here in my house on my own.  A million thoughts were racing through my head.  Had no one thought to call me and fill me in? I tried my mom's cell phone and couldn't get through.  It would pick up after one ring and take me straight to voice mail.

My aunt called me then after I had told my brother to tell my aunt to tell  my mom to call me to fill me in.  Maybe it was better when I didn't know.  Apparently grandpa has pneumonia and can't be given anything for it.  They're just trying to keep him comfortable for now. That's all they can do. It's not like they can do much else.  She then told me mom was there with everyone else and had support.  I worry about my mom knowing how she can be.  We've talked about this a billion times and it hasn't made this any easier.

We know it'll be best for him, he won't be suffering or anything and that's what we want. I keep telling myself that the three babies I never got to meet will now have another person to look after them until I can get there and be a mom to them.

I'm trying to get the crying under control before I get Alex off the bus.  I need to be support for him.  It'll be coming down to the wire whether or not I get it under control.

This was him 2 years ago at my uncles out in Alberta.  It was before he got really bad and had to go to the nursing home. 

Grandma and Grandpa this past Christmas. I didn't see him this Christmas.  

Now my next thing is how do I explain everything to my 6 year old so he'll be alright.

This was one Christmas at their house on the highway. We were really young then.