Movies and the truth about some people.

Wow.  Ok I didn't do anything in here cause I did my guest spot over on Jules' blog. Then Saturday I slept. Stayed up way to late the night before.

So anyway gonna talk about Black Swan.  Ok first off, that movie is just messed up!  Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were great in it, but seriously the story was just confusing as hell.  I'm gonna put up the summary from the movie.  I will add there may be spoilers.

A ballet dancer wins the lead in "Swan Lake" and is perfect for the role of the delicate White Swan - Princess Odette - but slowly loses her mind as she becomes more and more like Odile the Black Swan, daughter of an evil magician.


Natalie plays Nina Sayers, a Ballet Dancer who wins the lead in the company's performance of Swan Lake.  The movie goes on and Natalie's Character, Nina slowly goes crazy.  Ok I don't know if that's exactly true but wierd things happen to her.  She starts with a rash or something, we later find that her mother  says she's been scratching at her back again, then she starts to see herself.  And not like in the mirror or anything, but like seeing herself doing things she isn't actually doing.  At one point she goes out with Mila's character Lily, and comes home, fights with her mother and then Lily and Nina go into her room and apparently have a Lesbian experience but when Nina confronts Lily the next day at the studio Lily says it didn't happen. 

Lily also becomes Nina's understudy for the role if Nina can't perform.  During the performance Nina walks into her dressing room to find Lily getting into the costume and make up of the black swan.  Nina pushes Lily against the mirror and then stabs her with a piece of broken glass, apparently killing her.  We later find out that Nina didn't do that while she's getting ready to go back out as the white swan that in fact Nina had stabbed herself with the glass when Lily comes to the door of Nina's room.

That's all I'm going to say on that as I'm still trying to understand it and I can't.

Anyway now to some ranting, or bitching whichever you want to call it.  I know I said I'd try to keep the bitching and moaning out of here but sometimes it just slips in. 

I'm trying to figure out why I rolepay.  It never seems like anyone wants to roleplay with me. Or when they do, we get the characters figured out for a storyline and then they fuck it over. It's happened way to many fucking times for my liking.  I find out tonight that a storyline I thought was going to happen with a friend of mine, she decided to have her character hook up with someone else therefore fucking over my storyline. The one where she made her character specifically for me. Yeah can we say pissed.  Just a little. I'm so fucking sick of that shit.  Hence me rethinking the whole idea of Roleplaying in the first place. It's just driving me crazy.  Maybe I should just stick to World of Warcraft. At least there I don't have to worry about getting fucked over.

My week keeps getting better and better, oh and a Crying Damon Salvatore.

So my week went from shit to really shitty! Monday I get the text message about Calvin, so spent two days sort of not really in the whole wanting to do much of anything, then I get a phone call from Petsmart, which I applied to.  But it wasn't for a job like I'd been hoping.  It was to make an appointment for Hershey to have his grooming.  Then as I'm sitting watching the new Vampire Diaries (where Damon Salvatore is crying AGAIN.  OMG so HAWT when he cries) I get told that Leo's uncle had a major heart attack and died while down in Mexico with his wife.  We only saw them December 27th and neither one of them looked like they weren't healthy.

So yes my week hasn't been the greatest. 

Though there have been some happier moments this week.  Last night Leo said yes to me taking the Pet Grooming Certificate so I started that and took two exams already.  The first one I got 93 on it and the second I got 100. :) WOOT!

Ok jumping back to Vampire Diaries.  I had completely forgot that tonight was the start of the new Episodes. I like to say I have a healthy obsession with Damon Salvatore,  or maybe it's a healthy obsession with Ian Somerhalder?  Either way I love him.  Maybe it's the blue eyes or something.  I don't know.  But tonight's episode Damon had to kill Rose. Rose, who kidnapped Elena and was going to give her to the one of the Original's.  But I'm not going there. Anyway Rose had been bitten by a werewolf and we all know that werewolf bites are fatal to vampires.  So yes she was basically going crazy.  Tried to kill Elena and the whole shebang.

Anyway Ian, oops I mean, Damon tried to talk to Jules who is a werewolf, the wolf in fact that bit Rose in the first place, to find out if there was a cure but alas there wasn't, or if there is Juels wasn't talking and told him the only cure was to put a stake into her heart.   So we move on.

Didn't see much of Stefan this epi but really I wasn't worried.  Damon looked so sad throughout the episode.  Just before he killed Rose, with the stake, he controlled her dreams and took her back to the place she grew up.  Let her have that happy time before he would totally betray her and kill her.  You see him actually shed tears as he does it and she basically dies in her arms.  I wanted wrap my arms around him.

So there's other stuff that happens, like he talks to Sheriff Forbes and shows her the dead vampire, since there were people who were killed, and then returns home to see Elena there. They have a conversation and you can see the gears in Damons head shifting already.  He is sooooooo crazy about Elena.  Needless to say he's completely distraught.

They left tonight's episode with Damon laying in the middle of the road, of course drunk, a woman stops her car to see if he's alright.  Yes there's an idea, a dark road in the middle of no where, let's stop the car and get out cause we're all alone.  Eventually D gets up and compels her not to move, so she's frozen.  He goes into a spiel and all that then says he isn't going to kill her, lets her go and then before you know it he's actually killing her and drinking her blood.  Major tears cause you knows he's hurting when he says that he can't be what she wants him to be.  And in that line you know damn well he's talking about Elena as the she part.

And so that ends my night, well sort of. Still gonna rp a bit, maybe do some more studying not sure.  Either way here's a last sad picture of Damon Salvatore so we can ALL have good dreams about a tall brooding vampire, that isn't Edward Cullen. (not that I don't like Edward Cullen)

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Stayed up to late last night, now can't think of a cleaver title.

So I applied to Petsmart for their Pet Grooming salon. They're opening a new one not to far from me.  It's work.  I'll take what I can get.  They called today. I got all excited thinking I was being called for an interview, they called to see about making an appointment for Hershey since he's due for a grooming.  Needless to say my hopes fell hard and fast.  LOL 

So manged to convince Leo into letting me take a course through ICS Canada for a course. I've looked at a few different ones a few different times, but it never seemed to work out.  So the course I'm taking is for the Pet Grooming certificate.  It looks really interesting.  I've already taken Hairdressing so hopefully that'll help me out when it comes to actually clipping and stuff. :)  Eventually I may think about opening my own Grooming salon.  Though that's years from now. 

Everyday I go and check out Big Fish Games to see what new releases are there.  I find the odd ones that I really really like, but I don't want to spent the money buying them.  I spend time searching for the torrents to get them to play them til I beat the games.  Yesterday I went searching for a torrent for one game that I had fun trying and kept coming up with torrents that didn't work or that were corrupted or whatever, til I found a blog that actually has the download links to the full cracked versions!  I'm like in serious heaven right now!  I've been able to find a lot of my dash/time management type games in one place!  LOVING it! 

So my first guest blog spot will be up on Friday at Julie's.  Don't know how good it is, but the one friend who I ran it by said it was good.  I've never been confident in my writing, hell I'm always questioning how well I do with my Roleplaying.  I always think I suck, but everyone tells me no I don't.  If I'm honest I question myself how good am I at everything I do in my life. 

I've questioned if I'm a good mother, Alex seems to think so sometimes.  I've question if I'm a good enough wife, I'm still married and have been for 5 years, or is it 6?  Music I question, writing I question.  I guess my life is just meat to be full of questions that I don't seem to be able to say "Yes you are good enough. You are fantastic."  I guess that comes from always being told I'd never amount to anything or that I wasn't ever good enough.  Talk about the self confidence issue.

Anyway I'll leave this here to continue on with my online portion of school.

Alex was pretending he was a dog with Dixie looking on in the background.

I'll leave this with a few pictures I've taken while working on my photography.  Enjoy. 

I dreamed a dream

So I sit here and deal with my depression.  Lovely.  As I sit here I think about what makes me happy, what works as my therapy besides the damn pills.  One word comes to mind, are you ready for it?  HORSES.  Now that doesn't surprise anyone who knows me I know, because you all know how much I love the beautiful beast who gallops across the fields, or races around that oval track on any given Sunday on racetracks around the world.  They can help you get through anything.  Usually. 

Getting back to me in general.  I've dreamt, as I'm sure almost every little girl has done, of having my own pony, only with me being as tall as I was and still am, it was always the horses.  When I was younger my parents had no problems putting me in baseball, swimming, I shudder at this one-Soccer, Girl guides, and yes even bowling.  Now don't get me wrong, with the exception of Soccer, I loved every one of the activities I was in. But when you're tall and skinny, and incredibly uncoordinated, you don't feel comfortable doing much.  I did excel at Bowling and Swimming, and loved camping with the Girl Guides, but what I really wanted more than anything in the world was riding lessons.  Anytime I would mention it I was confronted with my mother's voice-which to this day I can still hear her saying these exact words- "We don't have a horse so what's the point?" This coming from a women who at the tender age of 19, while she lived at home with her parents, had not just one but two horses and a foal.

Now as I sit here at 31, almost 32, ok in about 7 months.  I can't help but wonder what I've been doing that's screwed my chances for having a horse, or even having lessons. Once I turned sixteen I was given the ok to go out and pay for my own lessons as I was working and making my own money.  The first set of riding lessons lasted me MAYBE three months.  Then I was let go of my job and just couldn't afford lessons. 

Sat on the sidelines watching Show Jumping on TV, thank god events from Spruce Meadows were/are always televised, until I met Leo.  At the wonderful age of 20. We met, he told me he didn't care if I worked. Got to love that.  I decided to see about working in exchange for lessons. It was perfect.  I would learn to ride, learn to look after the magnificent beasts I had loved for as long as I could remember, and it would only cost the cost of gas, well and boots.  I had my own helmet from a previous relationship who's parents had horses and had bought me my riding helmet.   That worked well til the barn owner turned out to be a drunk and left me to do much of the work in the barn while she slept til noon.  I spent my days at the barn, and sometimes well into the evening as well before I would think to come and pick Leo up after work.  It didn't matter we made it work and it worked for us. 

I left that first barn a mere nine months after starting there.  For all the work I was doing I was only getting like 20 minute lessons at best.  I then found someone to teach me on their TB (Throughbred) mare, for a decent amount. $20 for an hour lesson, which usually ended up being more than the hour.  That worked well again.  Trouble was that didn't last.

Next barn.  I took a bit of a break after that.  Just financially we couldn't do it.  I think that's about the time we were thinking about having the wedding.  So after a few years I started riding at a new barn. This one was great.  Until they got to expensive even for group lessons. So once again I was left without a place to ride. 

Come the next barn.  This worked well for a few more months, even had Alli follow me from one barn to this new one.  They were an A circuit barn.  What's an A circuit barn you ask? It's a barn that is for serious competitors.  They usually compete like EVERY weekend.  And it's expensive to show on that circuit.  Hell it's getting to be expensive on any circuit.  So I left there when I got pregnant.  I may have stayed there but I was blessed with carrying the best thing in the world.  My little man. My monkey. 

So I quit riding to have him, I probably could have continued but my mom had three miscarriages before she had me and I had had enough trouble getting pregnant in the first place, so wasn't taking that chance.  I had him and was happy being a stay at home mom for a little while anyway.  I did that for about a year, well almost a year, when I found another barn to work at.  It was just weekends so that let me with plenty of time to be home with him during the week.  It worked well.  I was even back into riding again.  Things were great.  For a time anyway.  Insert the first major injury I have ever sustained.

Now don't think that I hadn't fallen from a horse up til this point, so not true.  I've had my fair share of riding falls, head hitting the arena wall comes to mind. But this one was so bad, it landed me in the hospital for a three day stay as well as surgery.  I now have a plate with eight screws on the left side of the left ankle and a pin on the right side of the same ankle.  When I do thinks I don't do them half way. I like to be sure it's done damn good.  Hence the breaking of the Tibia, Fibia and dislocating it all at once. 

So anyway that left me unable to walk for awhile.  I stayed away from riding and horses for about a year and a half.  2007 I decided I wanted to work and ride again.  Alex, my little monkey, was now old enough that it shouldn't have bothered him so much.  I was again only working weekends.  Saturday and Sunday, all day. Then Monday to Friday would have been mommy and Alex time.  I lasted four months at that job cause Alex started throwing fits when I would drop him off for playschool.  So that kind of sucked for me, meant giving up riding yet again.

I just couldn't shake the need to be around horses, and taking in their scent.  You know the one, the one that's of hay mixing with dust, and dampness.  It's a great smell if you are a horse person.  So in May of 2008 I got another weekend job.  This time it worked amazingly well.  Alex was happy, wasn't throwing fits, I was able to work.  And had even started riding again.  Alli is an amazing coach.  I would probably still have been there if it wasn't for finding a Monday to Friday barn job that had me doing stalls from 8-3.  Shoveling stalls seven days a week is not my idea of fun.  So I quit the weekend job.  A lot of good it did me. I worked at the new job for a month.  The month of December in 2008 then found out I was pregnant so that meant quitting that job, only to turn around and have a miscarriage, the first of three apparently.

I went a really long time between then and the last time I was on a horse.  The last time was July 16, 2010. The one and only day in my most recent history.  I remember that day clear enough because that is the date of my 2nd most serious accident. Or maybe it is the most serious. 

How this happened was that Alli started to run a barn of her own, well sort of.  She was like the weekday barn manager and I guess you could say I was weekends.  We only had nine horses so it wasn't like there was all that much to do, but there was a lot of cleaning and getting it ready for boarders and students.  It worked well the big two weekends I was there.  Anyway I thought "This is my chance to finally be able to ride and get good and show.  How can I not? I'm going to ride with a former Olympian." Everything was FINALLY going my way.  July 16 I got in the van and drove to the barn of the former Olympian brushed and tacked up.  We just did a walking lesson working on stretching and balance, which for me, being 6ft tall was a good thing.  I'm afraid a lot of the balance thing just kind of fell to the side when I was younger.  So the lesson was great.  We talked about goals and stuff.  Time for the dismount.  I don't really remember to clearly on what happened, but when I went to dismount something happened and caused Winston, my trusty steed for the day, to shift.  I was already leaning forward and ready to dismount, unfortunetly it resulted in me landing on the ground in the arena, right shoulder first. I lay there and realized something serious happened.  Sure enough it ended up with ANOTHER trip to the hospital.  Of course I was no where near home when it happened.  So it was a stay in the hospital while they searched for one where the surgeon could take me.  The end result was a Broken/Dislocation of the right shoulder.  It hurt.  Let me tell you I can tell when we're getting bad weather. 

This was the first night I had done it. 

 

 

 

The morning after I was sent to another hospital and had surgery for them to put the shoulder back in place.

So that left me with unable to use my right arm for a few months and even now, six months later, I still don't have complete strength but it's usable. 

Now it's January 25, 2011 and I'm sitting here writing this out.  Why? Because I am feeling down, wondering if I'm just not meant to ride and have a horse.  I hear of other people who at 12 have a horse of their own, they get to ride whenever they want and don't have to worry.  I've been sitting here trying to find work instead of having to leave Leo to pay for everything, but I can't find anything. I keep seeing all these beautiful horse ads and I'm stuck wondering if I'll ever get to ride again.  I do get involved with horses still but it's hard when you're the one who wants to be up there, flying over the poles in the jump standards, racing around a ring, wondering if you'll ever see that day or will it just be another dream like the ones you had as a child that fade with the fading of the stars.

Good-bye old friend.

Such a great friend to us all.  An amazing young horse.  You were just coming into your own. Only nine years old when your mama had to make a hard choice.   You were such an amazing horse last show season. You jumped your heart out.  I knew you from the beginning, well when you were young and your mom got you as a rescue. She put her heart into you.  Worked with you, threatened to shoot you when you freaked out like a young colt. But she never would have.  You were taken out in your prime by Equine Lymphangitis. You had it once before and recovered.  As much as it hurt all of us to have to think about not having you around, your mom didn't want you to suffer either. She made such a difficult choice to keep you from going stir crazy in your stall while you healed, if you would have healed at all.  She was only thinking about the best for you.  As much as it hurt, she did what was best.  

We're always going to remember you as a healthy, big boy who jumped his heart out for his mom.  As much as a pain it was to keep you clean, it was worth it even to be slobbered on. 

I remember sitting at Waymark holding your lead line while you munched on grass and your mom was either eating or walking the course. You were such a silly boy when you decided to step on your lead line and scare yourself. I wish I had a picture of it.  But as soon as you figured out what you had done you settled right back into eating again as if nothing happened.  As long as there was food around you were quite happy to be munching on it.  

I saw you go from a skinny Thorughbred to the beautifully handsome boy you were at the end.  Maybe even slightly fat.  No one would have ever guessed that you'd come from OLEX where if Alli hadn't gotten you, you may have ended up going for meat. 

Alli and I always said this was your "How can I get out of the rest of my classes" pic.  It was after this picture was taken that we discovered you had injured yourself and Alli pulled you from the rest of your classes.  We both said it was a good thing you were cute.  

I always threatened to kick Alli's ass if she tried to sell you.  There were times she'd thought about it.  Luckily she never did. I knew she wouldn't.  Of course whenever she rode other crazy horses I always said that I'd take you if she was killed.  I'd have protected you and spoiled you. 

I never got to ride you, I wasn't brave enough knowing that you could be flighty at times.  But you were always loved. Even if your mom didn't like you at a given point you could always be promised a scritch from me. 

You always did know what to do.  Sometimes you scared the crap out of Alli, but we all laughed about it later. Your last jump at Vanbrook comes to mind. 

 Now that you've crossed that Rainbow Bridge, you don't have to worry about having to stand out in the cold, or the rain and you can munch on lush green grass as much as you like.  You've earned it good friend.  You'll be missed so much but we all know you're no longer in pain. We love you. 

You've left us with so many happy memories and so much love.  You won't ever be replaced and will always be loved. 

Love you Calvin Klein. 

 

A sad good-bye

Today a friend of mine had a sad good bye to say to a faithful friend.  I'm crying with her, even if he wasn't my horse.  She had to put her horse, Calvin down today.  She got him as a rescue and loved him, trained him and worked with him to get him to be the star he was.  He was such a good horse.  I remember being at a show with Alli, as her show bitch-that title consisted of being groom, horse handler and photographer all rolled into one. It was the best.  But I remember being at one show with Alli and I had to hold Calvin while she went and walked the course.  I was able to literally sit on the ground and he just stood there munching on the grass around me. 

I remember when Alli got him and how skinny he looked.  She fattened him up and got him looking as wonderful as he did.  

He's now passed over that Rainbow bridge, no longer in pain, staying out of the rain-he was a prince after all couldn't have him getting wet.  He's munching on grass in his favorite spot-anywhere away from work.  

Love you Calvin.  You will be missed.  You were a star that walked the earth.  You won't ever be forgotten. 

Even in the rain you still worked hard. 

The most handsomest of all.

You loved what you did and worked hard for Alli.

Always a superstar.

Even scary liverpools didn't stop you.

Always had to give Alli and "Oh Shit" moment giving us all a laugh.

9 years young.  Way to soon to leave us.

The start of something

So everyone else has these blogs so I thought I'd actually start one.  Not sure how well I'll keep up as I'm terrible at it usually.  Anyway.  The name is Carrie.  Mother of one 2 legged child, 3 feline children and 2 canine children.  Married and trying to convince the husband that we need either one or two (or more) equine children as well. So far he hasn't bought it.  I'll keep working on him.


So what is this gonna be for? Usually the journals are the rantings. This I'm going to try and avoid the rantings but sometimes it may slip up and there may be a few in here.


I've recently picked up writing again.  Mind you can it really be called "Picked up" when you don't actually have to pick up a pen nowadays? Maybe I should say started writing again.  That's probably better.  Mind you it's all saved on the computer.  I do have to make a note to myself that I'll need to pick up a portable hardrive just to keep all the writing on and safe.  I've also started really working on some photography. I got a new camera before Christmas from hubby and absolutely love it.  I had been going to friend's horse shows trying to prove to him that I needed a new camera and it finally worked.  Got the Canon Eos Rebel T1i and I am in love with it.  I've taken a few online photography courses.   I'm going to post the difference in pictures between what I was using and the Canon, just to compare.

This is my friend on her horse at one of the horse shows back in June.  This was just a digital Camera as opposed to the Digital Single Lens Reflex camera that has become yet another of my children.

Same friend, same horse but the new camera. :) The first weekend I had it.  LOVE it!



So I guess what I'm saying is this will probably be for photography and writing.  Possibly, not sure yet we'll have to see what happens.

And now I bid you adieu.  Though not sure who's reading it.