A year gone by and I miss you now as much as I did that morning.

As I sit here and look at the clock in the corner of my computer screen, that most dreaded hour creeps closer and closer.  It's hard to believe that in just a few short hours it will be officially a year since I got that phone call telling me that you had been taken to be with your brother, parents and grand children and great grandchildren that no one got to meet.  It was hard to wake up that morning a year ago to hear that phone ringing.  As soon as I heard the phone and it registered that it was ringing I knew why it was ringing at 4:30 in the morning.  You were gone and you were finally at peace.

We'd lost you years ago when the Alzheimer's took over. No longer were you the strong man we all looked to to lead our family. You were no longer the man you once were who would take your grandchildren out on the boat for the day fishing on the lake. All that was there when we looked at you were the memories of times gone by.

As a little girl I looked to you as an inspiration and a hero. You were my grandpa that I loved with all that I was. You were there for me when I needed you.

That morning a year ago, it was so hard to sit and watch your children cry, and all I could do was go and get food for everyone while they took care of making the arrangements.  When the Monday came and we all met in the Funeral home and I saw you looking as though you were sleeping it made me smile just a little knowing you weren't suffering through it anymore.  Though seeing you with a clean shaven face and with the weight loss you'd suffered you also didn't look like my grandfather, the man I remembered with the grey mustache just above that lip and how it would tickle everytime I kissed you good-bye.

Your funeral came that following Tuesday and as I sat there in the church listening I stared at the closed coffin, tears streaming down my face as I used almost a box of Kleenex surrounded by your family and friend's. Wishing we hadn't needed to say good bye but knowing it was best for you, knowing that you were now watching over all of us and fishing everyday as you looked down on us from your perch in the clouds. 

As I sit here writing this I'm reminded of something my mom told me that Alex had said once as they drove passed grandma's house:

"Grandma I'm going to get a ladder and make it go to heaven so you and nanny and I can go and see papa when he's there." He of course was four at the time and didn't understand everything.

I sit here and feel the sting of the tears as they build once again behind my eyes just as they did that morning 365 days ago. I think of how now you are probably fishing and teaching my unborn child that I never got to meet to fish, just as you did me. And giving him the love that I had wanted for him.

Good bye grandpa. I love you and still have an ache in my heart everytime I think of you.

It's Christmas...

Merry fucking Christmas to me.  I apologize for the start of that.  But I'm just a tad pissed off and upset.  Not cool with my depression.

I suppose I should start at the beginning.  So today being Christmas day we spent it with family.  Ok great.  This year we had it at my brother's and his girlfriend's.  Alex loves it there cause he's got Hunter to play with. The two boys get along great.  Everything was good.  Kids had a blast and got so much crap it wasn't funny.  And some of it is literally crap.

As we were opening gifts, my dad had a pile of gifts for everyone to open.  Now I love my dad to death, he's my dad, but sometimes I wonder if he did end up getting any brains or what. I swear he just went searching for things, and didn't even pay for it I'm sure.  He tends to go around on Garbage nights in neighbourhoods and picks things up.  Ok great, but please don't just guess at what you think Alex, your grandson will like, ask me and I can fill you in.  He gets him stuff that he'll never wear or use.  Like really was it nessesscary to get him a Karate Gi? He isn't in Karate and probably NEVER will be.  And the Fire Station thing is cute but really it's more a toy for like a 4 year old, your grandson is 7.

So that's fine we open our gifts and it was good.  We had dinner, lot's of joking around at the table.  Something got said about me working New Year's Eve and my asshole of a brother pipes up seeming shocked that I had a job.  Ok it's one night but I'm still making money.  I let it slide.  I now feel like shit but I try to ignore it as this is my brother's usual thing.

The night goes on and we're chatting and stuff and something was said.  My brother again being the ass that he is, makes a comment and I was pissed.  We all think it about him but never say it to him and so I couldn't hold back and I snapped at him "Do you always have to act like you're better than everyone else?"  I was that pissed.  My mom just told me to stop.  Dad wasn't even there and Leo was loading the car to come home. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

So now instead of enjoying the rest of Christmas night I'm feeling like a piece of crap because I can't seem to find a job.  I want one but I can't seem to find work.  Even after taking courses such as Pet Grooming.  So normally I feel like crap, now today I feel even worse.  It's not like I'm not trying to get work, I am.  But I just can't seem to find something.

I'm not going to go and hide from the world til we have to leave to go to the in laws tomorrow.

Tragedy: Eric Lamaze's horse Hickstead is dead

RIP Hickstead

It's been a tragic weekend for Canadian Showjumping.  We lost a champion yesterday in Verona Italy where the fourth leg of the FEI World Cup was taking place.  I still feel like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up eventually to hear that Hickstead, the 16h, 15 year old Dutch Warmblood stallion ridden by Eric Lamaze has won yet another prize and not that he collapsed after finishing the 13th fence and died.

I had been dealing with a neck pain all weekend long, so bad I couldn't move hardly without cringing in pain and was seriously considering going to the Hospital, and really with the wait times you basically only want to go there if your dying. I woke up on Sunday happy that there was no neck pain but then checked Facebook as I normally do and saw messages that were just unbelievable.

I never got to see the little horse (ok not really a little horse at all) that everyone passed up but Eric, who saw something in his eyes and in the way he tried so hard.   Born in 1996 in the Netherlands, he'd been looked at by many riders and all of them passed him over.  Torrey Pines Stables and Ashland Stables took ownership of him and Eric was in the saddle training him and riding him to all his victories.  The highlight of which was a team silver and individual gold at the 2008 Bejing Olympics amongst other's. 

He gave his heart in everything he did and quickly became the number one horse in the world of Show Jumping and Canada's hero horse.  He reminds me of another horse Canada lost in 1999, and that would be Big Ben ridden by Captain Canada himself Ian Millar.

I'm sitting here, even after seeing the tragic video-which I really shouldn't have watched- still in shock and disbelief that he's actually gone.  It's just such a hard thing to really believe that he was just in Calgary at Spruce Meadows winning yet another CN International, and now he's never going to compete again.  Eric talked about whether he would ride him again in 2012 in the London Olympics and all signs pointed to yes and now, we won't have our number one rider or horse there.

RIP Hickstead.  You were one in a million and there will never be another like you.  You were a Hero to all who knew and loved you.  You will be forever missed.

I'm posting the video of it happening in another post, I can't watch it again, I'm ready to cry again at the though.  Warning it does contain the death of an animal. It was shown live on tv from Verona Italy.

Photos, photos and more photos

So I've been spending my time lately with my new computer program, Photoshop Elements 9.  $129.99 but WELL worth the money.  I needed a new program to edit pictures after I've taken them.  Asked a friend of mine who does photography, and she said the best was Photoshop so somehow, still haven't figured out how, I was able to convince my dear hubby to buy Photoshop for me. 

The first night I didn't really do much as I didn't know how to do anything, but clicked on the help button and low and behold there's actual video tutorials! YAY! So I've been watching the videos as I've needed to and then yesterday was spent playing around with Photoshop, almost as much as today has. 

A friend of mine texted me to see how well I know Photoshop, told her I just got it so I'm slowly learning.  She said that she is launching a product at Trillium Champs and is wondering if I can do an image of a horse Jumping but with the background taken out and some text.  Told her I would play with it and see what I can come up with.  She also said that she knows a guy who has print clients needing work done so this could mean a pt job for me. 

The only thing I've really ever been excited about was working on farms in barns shoveling out the stalls and cleaning them.  I'm actually excited about this whole photography thing and editing the pics on Photoshop.  It's nice to be excited about something again. 

Not sure what else to put here so I'm going to put some pics that I've taken recently and edits I've done.

Warning picture heavy!

Riley.  My cousins son at his first birthday party

A little fun with PS.  Took the pick and made it look old fashioned. 

Added the frame. I think it's cute. 

Left Kole in color and made the rest B&W

I like the dark edges and the circle around Kole

Miss Jewel. We finally had a day we could do it.

She was wanting to play and see the animals.

One of my favs.  Both the original and all the edits.  She's so cute.

Yellow flower and the rest is B&W. I love this effect

Ok so there's some pics and edits I've done. :) I'm thinking I may just start a new blog for all my photography stuff.  Leo's supposed to help me with a website so we shall see.

Oh yeah and I have to weddings to photograph. One on Saturday cause a friend's photographer had to cancel after breaking her leg, and another friend from WoW on September 3rd.  Excited but nervous all at once.

Apparently it takes me a month....

So apparently I'm going to post once a month or something.  What can I say since my last post.  My life is freaking boring and my computer crapped out so I'm on the shitty 15 inch computer when I'm used to the 17inch one. Really annoying cause the computer I'm on now uses Ubuntu so anything windows based I can't use. :(

I would add pictures here of some photography stuff lately that I've done but slight problem with the fact that I haven't uploaded them and the other ones are on the hard drive from the 17 inch one.  I figure there's no sense in transferring them onto this computer so I'm stuck waiting on the other one to come back which better be this week or I'm going crazy.


Ok even more crazy than I am now.

So I now have a 7 year old who is going to be in grade two in September.  The bus will actually be picking him up slightly earlier than last year, the good news, he'll still get picked up at the same spot so I don't have to worry about that. Just means I have to get up earlier.

Got finished worrying about one grandparent and laid him to rest, now I get to wait for the dreaded phone call on my grandmother on my dad's side. 

Not to long ago we had major issues here, crap was literally hitting the fan and one of my uncles came and got her and moved her back down to Trenton where she lived before moving in with dad.  Yesterday David, my brother, texted my mom while we were at my Aunt's for my cousins first birthday and I get the news that they found a tumor that is to far gone.  So needless to say we're just waiting on the phone call that she's gone. 

Leo had said when she moved, because we were trying to convince her that I'd be alright with her going to Trenton, that we probably wouldn't even get the chance to visit her and it looks like it's coming to that.  Good thing I just bought a black skirt.  Seems I'm going to need it.

Feeling.........annoyed....frustrated........

Ok so haven't really written in here lately.  Mostly cause I haven't really had much to write about.  So a few things to talk about now.

So it's been almost a year, Saturday to be exact, will be a year since I screwed my shoulder over. And boy did I screw it over. I was at the waterpark and in the wavepool with Alex and decided to go for a little swim.  I couldn't even move my arm in a stroke which is an odd feeling.  I normally could before I fucked up the shoulder.  So that just means I have to work at getting it  back if I ever want to swim properly again.  Sucks but what can I do? I fucked it up.

Saturday we're doing a barbeque for Alex's birthday.  Since the little monkey is going to be 7 on Monday.  I can't believe I'm going to have a 2nd grader come September. I keep looking at the baby pics I have of him and wish I could go back and have my little monkey again.

Let's see what else.  Well finally managed to talk to a friend I used to RP with who has been MIA since I screwed my shoulder up. :)  Happy about that but pissed off and annoyed at the sametime. Pissed off because she keeps having to go and says she'll be back right away but doesn't show up.  It's annoying the fuck out of me. I can understand people get busy but seriously, when I text could you not tell me that something came up and you won't be able to get back?

Or there's the people who say they're going to be on a certain night and then don't show up yet still want a storyline in an rp with me and then get pissed off at me when the SL changes.  Well sorry but please don't get pissed at me when you don't come on to work on our SL and suddenly something happens with my character and someone else.  Shit happens and it can't be helped if you aren't on.  Why should I suffer without being able to play my character because you can't get off your ass and get on?

Yeah just a little pissed.  Though on a good note my other friend whom I haven't talked to in forever, has resurfaced and wanted to RP with me cause of Harry Potter coming out. :) YAY!!!  So have that private Storyline going on. 

Let's see. I managed to have four riding lessons in June.  Unfortunetly couldn't continue cause we didn't have money. I will definitely go back to where I took these lessons at.  They were so understanding with my fears.  Even letting me use the mounting block to dismount from Silver.  I love that horse.  He was soooooo understanding and such a confidence booster which I need. 

Gonna add some pics of me riding Silver, of course it shows how fat I really am which sucks but I'm working on it.

This is it for now.  More later.  Hopefully people will be around tomorrow after I get home from the water park with Alex.