Sunday, December 25, 2011

It's Christmas...

Merry fucking Christmas to me.  I apologize for the start of that.  But I'm just a tad pissed off and upset.  Not cool with my depression.

I suppose I should start at the beginning.  So today being Christmas day we spent it with family.  Ok great.  This year we had it at my brother's and his girlfriend's.  Alex loves it there cause he's got Hunter to play with. The two boys get along great.  Everything was good.  Kids had a blast and got so much crap it wasn't funny.  And some of it is literally crap.

As we were opening gifts, my dad had a pile of gifts for everyone to open.  Now I love my dad to death, he's my dad, but sometimes I wonder if he did end up getting any brains or what. I swear he just went searching for things, and didn't even pay for it I'm sure.  He tends to go around on Garbage nights in neighbourhoods and picks things up.  Ok great, but please don't just guess at what you think Alex, your grandson will like, ask me and I can fill you in.  He gets him stuff that he'll never wear or use.  Like really was it nessesscary to get him a Karate Gi? He isn't in Karate and probably NEVER will be.  And the Fire Station thing is cute but really it's more a toy for like a 4 year old, your grandson is 7.

So that's fine we open our gifts and it was good.  We had dinner, lot's of joking around at the table.  Something got said about me working New Year's Eve and my asshole of a brother pipes up seeming shocked that I had a job.  Ok it's one night but I'm still making money.  I let it slide.  I now feel like shit but I try to ignore it as this is my brother's usual thing.

The night goes on and we're chatting and stuff and something was said.  My brother again being the ass that he is, makes a comment and I was pissed.  We all think it about him but never say it to him and so I couldn't hold back and I snapped at him "Do you always have to act like you're better than everyone else?"  I was that pissed.  My mom just told me to stop.  Dad wasn't even there and Leo was loading the car to come home. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

So now instead of enjoying the rest of Christmas night I'm feeling like a piece of crap because I can't seem to find a job.  I want one but I can't seem to find work.  Even after taking courses such as Pet Grooming.  So normally I feel like crap, now today I feel even worse.  It's not like I'm not trying to get work, I am.  But I just can't seem to find something.

I'm not going to go and hide from the world til we have to leave to go to the in laws tomorrow.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Tragedy: Eric Lamaze's horse Hickstead is dead

RIP Hickstead

It's been a tragic weekend for Canadian Showjumping.  We lost a champion yesterday in Verona Italy where the fourth leg of the FEI World Cup was taking place.  I still feel like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up eventually to hear that Hickstead, the 16h, 15 year old Dutch Warmblood stallion ridden by Eric Lamaze has won yet another prize and not that he collapsed after finishing the 13th fence and died.

I had been dealing with a neck pain all weekend long, so bad I couldn't move hardly without cringing in pain and was seriously considering going to the Hospital, and really with the wait times you basically only want to go there if your dying. I woke up on Sunday happy that there was no neck pain but then checked Facebook as I normally do and saw messages that were just unbelievable.

I never got to see the little horse (ok not really a little horse at all) that everyone passed up but Eric, who saw something in his eyes and in the way he tried so hard.   Born in 1996 in the Netherlands, he'd been looked at by many riders and all of them passed him over.  Torrey Pines Stables and Ashland Stables took ownership of him and Eric was in the saddle training him and riding him to all his victories.  The highlight of which was a team silver and individual gold at the 2008 Bejing Olympics amongst other's. 

He gave his heart in everything he did and quickly became the number one horse in the world of Show Jumping and Canada's hero horse.  He reminds me of another horse Canada lost in 1999, and that would be Big Ben ridden by Captain Canada himself Ian Millar.

I'm sitting here, even after seeing the tragic video-which I really shouldn't have watched- still in shock and disbelief that he's actually gone.  It's just such a hard thing to really believe that he was just in Calgary at Spruce Meadows winning yet another CN International, and now he's never going to compete again.  Eric talked about whether he would ride him again in 2012 in the London Olympics and all signs pointed to yes and now, we won't have our number one rider or horse there.

RIP Hickstead.  You were one in a million and there will never be another like you.  You were a Hero to all who knew and loved you.  You will be forever missed.



I'm posting the video of it happening in another post, I can't watch it again, I'm ready to cry again at the though.  Warning it does contain the death of an animal. It was shown live on tv from Verona Italy.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Photos, photos and more photos

So I've been spending my time lately with my new computer program, Photoshop Elements 9.  $129.99 but WELL worth the money.  I needed a new program to edit pictures after I've taken them.  Asked a friend of mine who does photography, and she said the best was Photoshop so somehow, still haven't figured out how, I was able to convince my dear hubby to buy Photoshop for me. 

The first night I didn't really do much as I didn't know how to do anything, but clicked on the help button and low and behold there's actual video tutorials! YAY! So I've been watching the videos as I've needed to and then yesterday was spent playing around with Photoshop, almost as much as today has. 

A friend of mine texted me to see how well I know Photoshop, told her I just got it so I'm slowly learning.  She said that she is launching a product at Trillium Champs and is wondering if I can do an image of a horse Jumping but with the background taken out and some text.  Told her I would play with it and see what I can come up with.  She also said that she knows a guy who has print clients needing work done so this could mean a pt job for me. 

The only thing I've really ever been excited about was working on farms in barns shoveling out the stalls and cleaning them.  I'm actually excited about this whole photography thing and editing the pics on Photoshop.  It's nice to be excited about something again. 

Not sure what else to put here so I'm going to put some pics that I've taken recently and edits I've done.

Warning picture heavy!

Riley.  My cousins son at his first birthday party

A little fun with PS.  Took the pick and made it look old fashioned. 

Added the frame. I think it's cute. 

Left Kole in color and made the rest B&W

I like the dark edges and the circle around Kole

Miss Jewel. We finally had a day we could do it.

She was wanting to play and see the animals.

One of my favs.  Both the original and all the edits.  She's so cute.

Yellow flower and the rest is B&W. I love this effect
Ok so there's some pics and edits I've done. :) I'm thinking I may just start a new blog for all my photography stuff.  Leo's supposed to help me with a website so we shall see.

Oh yeah and I have to weddings to photograph. One on Saturday cause a friend's photographer had to cancel after breaking her leg, and another friend from WoW on September 3rd.  Excited but nervous all at once.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Apparently it takes me a month....

So apparently I'm going to post once a month or something.  What can I say since my last post.  My life is freaking boring and my computer crapped out so I'm on the shitty 15 inch computer when I'm used to the 17inch one. Really annoying cause the computer I'm on now uses Ubuntu so anything windows based I can't use. :(

I would add pictures here of some photography stuff lately that I've done but slight problem with the fact that I haven't uploaded them and the other ones are on the hard drive from the 17 inch one.  I figure there's no sense in transferring them onto this computer so I'm stuck waiting on the other one to come back which better be this week or I'm going crazy.


Ok even more crazy than I am now.

So I now have a 7 year old who is going to be in grade two in September.  The bus will actually be picking him up slightly earlier than last year, the good news, he'll still get picked up at the same spot so I don't have to worry about that. Just means I have to get up earlier.

Got finished worrying about one grandparent and laid him to rest, now I get to wait for the dreaded phone call on my grandmother on my dad's side. 

Not to long ago we had major issues here, crap was literally hitting the fan and one of my uncles came and got her and moved her back down to Trenton where she lived before moving in with dad.  Yesterday David, my brother, texted my mom while we were at my Aunt's for my cousins first birthday and I get the news that they found a tumor that is to far gone.  So needless to say we're just waiting on the phone call that she's gone. 

Leo had said when she moved, because we were trying to convince her that I'd be alright with her going to Trenton, that we probably wouldn't even get the chance to visit her and it looks like it's coming to that.  Good thing I just bought a black skirt.  Seems I'm going to need it.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Feeling.........annoyed....frustrated........

Ok so haven't really written in here lately.  Mostly cause I haven't really had much to write about.  So a few things to talk about now.

So it's been almost a year, Saturday to be exact, will be a year since I screwed my shoulder over. And boy did I screw it over. I was at the waterpark and in the wavepool with Alex and decided to go for a little swim.  I couldn't even move my arm in a stroke which is an odd feeling.  I normally could before I fucked up the shoulder.  So that just means I have to work at getting it  back if I ever want to swim properly again.  Sucks but what can I do? I fucked it up.

Saturday we're doing a barbeque for Alex's birthday.  Since the little monkey is going to be 7 on Monday.  I can't believe I'm going to have a 2nd grader come September. I keep looking at the baby pics I have of him and wish I could go back and have my little monkey again.

Let's see what else.  Well finally managed to talk to a friend I used to RP with who has been MIA since I screwed my shoulder up. :)  Happy about that but pissed off and annoyed at the sametime. Pissed off because she keeps having to go and says she'll be back right away but doesn't show up.  It's annoying the fuck out of me. I can understand people get busy but seriously, when I text could you not tell me that something came up and you won't be able to get back?

Or there's the people who say they're going to be on a certain night and then don't show up yet still want a storyline in an rp with me and then get pissed off at me when the SL changes.  Well sorry but please don't get pissed at me when you don't come on to work on our SL and suddenly something happens with my character and someone else.  Shit happens and it can't be helped if you aren't on.  Why should I suffer without being able to play my character because you can't get off your ass and get on?

Yeah just a little pissed.  Though on a good note my other friend whom I haven't talked to in forever, has resurfaced and wanted to RP with me cause of Harry Potter coming out. :) YAY!!!  So have that private Storyline going on. 

Let's see. I managed to have four riding lessons in June.  Unfortunetly couldn't continue cause we didn't have money. I will definitely go back to where I took these lessons at.  They were so understanding with my fears.  Even letting me use the mounting block to dismount from Silver.  I love that horse.  He was soooooo understanding and such a confidence booster which I need. 

Gonna add some pics of me riding Silver, of course it shows how fat I really am which sucks but I'm working on it.






This is it for now.  More later.  Hopefully people will be around tomorrow after I get home from the water park with Alex. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Torture

So I really do like torturing myself.  Today went to one of the old barns I worked at, they were having a team sorting event, a couple people I know from Waterloo County Trailriders were there so I went to take pictures.  Damn battery wasn't completely charged luckily there was enough for me to get pics which are posted on my facebook. 

I sat watching the team sorting and couldn't help feel horrible cause I can't ride.  I can't ride because I can't find a job.  I feel like the only thing I'm good at is shoveling shit out of stalls after the horses have been in there.  And I can't even do that anymore cause of the damn shoulder. I'm getting frustrated as hell that I can't find anything.  It's annoying how some people don't have to try and they managed to either get a job or whatever.  I gave my resume to a friend to take to work with him but I have no idea if he has or not.

With the nice weather starting now, I'm going to have to find something that's comfy to sit in in order to be outside with Alex.  Leo doesn't seem to care if something happens to him or not.  As I write this Alex is out front riding his bike and where is Leo? In the kitchen.  He called his name, didn't hear him and went to check on him, here he's two houses down. 

I don't know what to do with everything.  I'm just going crazy. I really want to ride, especially with the nicer weather coming. Maybe I just need to get out and get some pictures or something.  Mind you the next couple of days are supposed to be rainy. 

FML!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

A Glutton for Punishment

So I decided that not only was doing one wedding sampler bad enough, mind you I'm almost finished with the one for the BF and his fiance, I decided that my nephew should get one for his wedding too.  So now I'm doing another wedding sampler.  Not the one I wanted that I was looking for, but it would have taken like 7-14 days to get here to order it online and I just don't have that time. I'm actually taking a bit of a break to type this up.

This is for my nephew and his fiance for their wedding in June

So been sitting working on that one now while the other one sits and waits til this is done.  Like I said not the one I wanted but it'll do.

This is the one I wanted but the store doesn't have it
So went to another craft store around here, one that I couldn't go to cause didn't have a lot of gas and it's a fair distance from the house, so my friend picked me up yesterday and we went, and what do I find there but this kit.  I was pissed that I found it.  If I'd have had the money I'd have gotten it but I didn't have the money so I'm stuck with out.

So as I was looking for something in the house I found yet another cross stitch kit that I had forgotten I had bought.  Amazing what you find sometimes. :) 

This is the one I found just recently so now will do this for myself.
Anyway just a quick post better get back tot the cross stitching.  That's all I've been doing recently.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Ian Sommerhalder

So honestly I have no idea what made me do it but I went and downloaded season 4 of Law and Order SVU because there is one episode that he guest starred in.  I found that out from a site that had info on Vampire Diaries all because I was working on getting things ready for a PSL community.

I had to do it.  I think I'm beginning to have a strange obsesssion with him or something.   He was younger when he did SVU of course considering it's like in it's 12th season or something like that but hey he's still the little hottie in it. 

Ok this is quick may come up with something more substantial later but right now I got nothing. :)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Coming to some conclussions

So this week I have come to some conclusions this week.  Mainly a big one that I am apparently expendable.  A friend who I've been Rping with for a little more than a year is a mother. Ok great. I don't begrudge anyone being a parent.  Her kids are in their 20's and one is currently in school.  Great.  She told me this week that because it was his spring break she would spend more time on and we could Rp more.  Great.  I thought.  Considering we don't do it much the rest of the year because she feels the need to write his fucking papers and everything else.  Don't get me wrong I'm all for helping your kids out in school but writing all their work for them, really how's he gonna fucking learn.  It's not like she's gonna be out there holding his hand while he is working. If he doesn't know the stuff now, he's never gonna be able to handle it in the real world? 

Told me this week she'd be on.  She's been on all of two days to Roleplay with.  Just pisses me off at the fact that I was told that Rping would take place this week and it hasn't.

Really pissses me off that everyone that I Rp with  fucks me over.  I have a couple who are on but never RP with.  Or if they do start Rping with me they fuck off and forget about me but they can RP with everyone else.

I'm just trying to figure out why the hell I bother anymore.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A brief abscence

So it's been awhile since I've talked much about music.  Not that I haven't thought about my music of course. :)  But I had taken a break from it since I had wanted the new computer and it worked out that the payments for the computer would be cheaper than my music lessons that usually worked out to just under $100/month and of course that's in Canadian.  So I sort of put the music lessons on hold, still am not back to them yet but that's just cause we don't have the money as yet.

I was doing piano and Violin before I quit.  Well didn't really quit just kind of took a break. I'd been in lessons for like 4 years or something like that without a break so it was due.  Then I broke the shoulder so things were on hold for sure. 

Still haven't actually picked up the violin again and tried it.  Kind of scared to really.  I probably should and try to play it again just to see how the shoulder will hold up.  The piano is a different story.  I'd found a free upright piano, which was cool, but I never got it tuned so I hated to practice on it which meant not really progressing at any significant amount.  Well we got our income tax back and found a digital piano, that never needs tuning, that was a decent price and so Leo bought it! YAY!!! 

Introducing the newest baby of the family.
So now I've been playing the piano each night for about 10 minutes or so and Alex comes into the dining room and bangs on the incredibly out of tune upright while I have my headset on and I'm playing my baby.  Which I just want to add that I put together mostly on my own. :)  WOOT YAY ME!!!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Overweight

So I was sitting here tonight looking at pictures I have uploaded on Facebook.  I came across pictures of me at one of my riding lessons and realized just how overweight I am.  I have known I'm overweight for a bit but to see just how big I am as I'm riding a horse, I really feel bad for the horses I've ridden.  It's hard to imagine just how much they've dealt with while lugging my fat ass around.

So seeing this, and realizing that I could probably ride a little better without the stomach, I am going to make a concious effort to loose the weight and start eating healthy.  As I sit here writing this, I have a box of Nature Valley granola bars sitting beside me that I have really enjoyed the few that I have had.  I think I'm goig to figure out a way to get a gym membership as well and start going there.  Even if it's just to use a stationary bike or something.  Have to find something that is easy on the knees. 

There is also Fit Booty Camp that I may look into as well.  8 weeks of someone kicking my ass may do me well. :)  Anyway I just thought I'd put this out. 

From this day forward I'm going to make sure I work to loose the weight and that way I'll be in better shape when I go back to riding, if I ever get back to riding.

I'm back.

So after a brief and unexpected, yet totally expected, abscence I am back.  Yes I can't spell. LOL  Anyway.  It's now been a month since having to say good-bye to my loving grandfather, who at the end of his life didn't reconize pretty much anyone.  I've now driven past the cemetary where his ashes are 4 times and it's incredibly hard.  Yesterday I drove past and found myself speeding up to get passed in the one direction, coming back in the other direction I sped up and made sure I wasn't looking.  I had my friend, her two kids and her boyfriend in the car with me.  He told me when we were passed and I could look around me again. 


So haven't had the chance to get out and do any photography as it's still cold and snowy.  I'm so ready for it to be over. Now though I've got two weddings to think about, my nephew on Leo's side of the family and my best friend is FINALLY getting married.  They've booked the church and hall and stuff. Leo is a groomsmen and I'm doing some photography stuff but they are hiring a photographer to do the actual photos. 

So because it's been cold I've picked up the cross-stitch again. I know I should pick up the writing again, though I did start something the other day when I was at the playground, indoor thank god, with Alex.  Anyway here are the four x-stitches I'm going to be working on. 

This is for my best friend and his soon to be wife.  It's going to have their names and the wedding date. 

This is for my Mother In law.  Been trying to do it for ages.  
Another I've been trying to do for ages, for my mom. 
And this will be mine.  If I can get the other three done. :)
So next week is the kiddo's march break.  And I was supposed to have a week without him but my mother in law is sick with Shingles, so I have the monkey home with me.  Now to figure out what to do with kiddo that will keep the remaining sanity left in me there where it should be.

Anyway I'm going to leave this and plug my computer back in as the cord just fell out as the kiddo turned. :) 

Friday, February 4, 2011

Ed Steckly

The suffering has ended.  You're not in pain anymore.  You're fishing with your brother and brother in law and eating all the cheezies you want. When it's raining I know it's you and the fish fighting over where the fish gets to go, knowing full well that eventually it will end up in your stomach.  Maybe sauteed in a little butter. 

As I sit here writing this to you, knowing that in just three days we'll be seeing you sleeping peacefully for the first time in a long long time, I think back to all the memories you have given me.  From the visits to you in the house out on the highway, when you would give me extra treats that mom and dad said no to,  Or the nights we had to stay over and we sat quietly watching the news to the fishing trips out on the lake in the boat. 

As a young girl of 12 when mom and dad split, you stepped in and tried to keep things alright and semi normal for David and I.  Taking us out on the boat in the summer at the lake.  Letting us visit with you as much as we could. Taking a special interest in us, two of your grandchildren who didn't have their father at that moment.

You've always been such a strong man.  The strongest man I've ever known.  Stronger than even my own father.  You were the matriarch of the family, holding us all together. 

I didn't want to let you go.  I know I wasn't to the Nursing home to see you very much but I was like mom, an emotional wreck, and it was hard to see you deteriorating the way you were with every passing moment.  I wanted to remember the strong man that once you were, that would load and unload the boat with your two grandchildren onboard.  You did that all on your own.  The one who helped David break into a trailer when neighbours locked their keys in their trailer.  


When the call came that everyone was called back to the nursing home I could only think of getting to your side.  I couldn't touch you at first.  But I did hug and kiss you before I left.  When I found out I asked the baby I lost to come and help you find your way.  I know now that you will watch over him and teach him the things I couldn't, the things you taught me, I think about the fishing trips that you and your brother and brother in law will take with my baby Lucas.  I know he's in wonderful hands and that none of you are suffering anymore.  


I will see you when this life for me is over.  I love you Grandpa and will miss you.  I'm glad to have had you for pictures for my wedding, and that you got to see my son.  I know you're watching over us all now and will be shaking your head at some of the things you do.  I know you weren't strict so much as you were trying to protect us all.  


Love you forever and always.

Staying strong and mourning at one time

No one ever said life was easy. Sometimes you don't get an easy start from the beginning and each day is a struggle just to survive.  Other times you start out strong, both physically and emotionally and by the time your number has come up you're weaker in mind, body and soul. 

I realized all of this this week.  Tuesday afternoon I got a text from my brother asking me if I was with my mom, whom I assumed was at work.  Wrong! He then proceeds to tell me that he got a call from my aunt saying that everyone was called to go to the nursing home, apparently grandpa wasn't doing well. A little bit later my aunt called and told me what was happening and said I could go up.  I had 45 minutes at this point before the child got off the bus.  I decided I'd go to dad's to tell Alex what was happening, then maybe go up to the nursing home for a little bit.  Glad I did. 

Wednesday was the snow storm (not that it was much of one) of 2011, so Alex had a snow day. I didn't make it to see Grandpa again.  All day Wednesday I was saying that after Leo got home I'd go up and see him.  Something held me back, something told me he'd be alright and I'd go up on Thursday with mom if she went up. By then it would be to late. 

Thursday night I went to bed around midnight only to be woken 4 hours later by the phone ringing.  Unfortunetly Leo got hit cause he didn't hear the phone and it was on his side.  As soon as he said it was mom's I knew it was over.  Grandpa had left this world and all of us behind.

I'm happy he's done suffering, and out of pain.  I'm not one to go to church, yes I believe there is another being out there but what or who it is I can't say.  Tuesday I looked out the window and told Lucas, my second son who unfortunetly was lost before he was born, that he could come and take papa. 

Can I just say that Alzheimer's is a BITCH!  My recomendation to everyone, no matter how many people read this blog, is take pictures of your loved ones as much as you can.  I don't have many pictures of my grandfather and I regret that.  I'm making sure now that when I go to see my dad I'll be taking the camera.

Grandpa Steckly. Will miss you everyday.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Life.....or something like it.

We all start out as a helpless child, unable to eat without someone feeding us, most cases holding a bottle for us, or if you're a breast fed baby holding a boob.  We grow we learn to do things on our own, using the potty, dressing ourselves and fending for ourselves.  Later still we get older, become a senior and sometimes, we end up reverting back to that first helpless child stage.

Such is the case with my grandfather.  He started out a helpless child, and that's how he's leaving us.  Dealing with Alzheimer's.  I received a text from my brother this afternoon, thinking it was my alarm telling me it was time to get another child off the school bus.  He texted me to see if I was with mom. Right away alarm bells started ringing in my head.  Somethings wrong.  Why would he need to know if I was with my mother at 2:30 in the afternoon?  He then told me that my worst fears were correct.  He told me that my aunt called him to tell him that the nursing home called to call the family there to be with my grandpa. I hadn't heard the news yet and I'm left here in my house on my own.  A million thoughts were racing through my head.  Had no one thought to call me and fill me in? I tried my mom's cell phone and couldn't get through.  It would pick up after one ring and take me straight to voice mail.

My aunt called me then after I had told my brother to tell my aunt to tell  my mom to call me to fill me in.  Maybe it was better when I didn't know.  Apparently grandpa has pneumonia and can't be given anything for it.  They're just trying to keep him comfortable for now. That's all they can do. It's not like they can do much else.  She then told me mom was there with everyone else and had support.  I worry about my mom knowing how she can be.  We've talked about this a billion times and it hasn't made this any easier.

We know it'll be best for him, he won't be suffering or anything and that's what we want. I keep telling myself that the three babies I never got to meet will now have another person to look after them until I can get there and be a mom to them.

I'm trying to get the crying under control before I get Alex off the bus.  I need to be support for him.  It'll be coming down to the wire whether or not I get it under control.

This was him 2 years ago at my uncles out in Alberta.  It was before he got really bad and had to go to the nursing home. 

Grandma and Grandpa this past Christmas. I didn't see him this Christmas.  

Now my next thing is how do I explain everything to my 6 year old so he'll be alright.

This was one Christmas at their house on the highway. We were really young then. 

 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Movies and the truth about some people.

Wow.  Ok I didn't do anything in here cause I did my guest spot over on Jules' blog. Then Saturday I slept. Stayed up way to late the night before.

So anyway gonna talk about Black Swan.  Ok first off, that movie is just messed up!  Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis were great in it, but seriously the story was just confusing as hell.  I'm gonna put up the summary from the movie.  I will add there may be spoilers.








A ballet dancer wins the lead in "Swan Lake" and is perfect for the role of the delicate White Swan - Princess Odette - but slowly loses her mind as she becomes more and more like Odile the Black Swan, daughter of an evil magician.


Natalie plays Nina Sayers, a Ballet Dancer who wins the lead in the company's performance of Swan Lake.  The movie goes on and Natalie's Character, Nina slowly goes crazy.  Ok I don't know if that's exactly true but wierd things happen to her.  She starts with a rash or something, we later find that her mother  says she's been scratching at her back again, then she starts to see herself.  And not like in the mirror or anything, but like seeing herself doing things she isn't actually doing.  At one point she goes out with Mila's character Lily, and comes home, fights with her mother and then Lily and Nina go into her room and apparently have a Lesbian experience but when Nina confronts Lily the next day at the studio Lily says it didn't happen. 

Lily also becomes Nina's understudy for the role if Nina can't perform.  During the performance Nina walks into her dressing room to find Lily getting into the costume and make up of the black swan.  Nina pushes Lily against the mirror and then stabs her with a piece of broken glass, apparently killing her.  We later find out that Nina didn't do that while she's getting ready to go back out as the white swan that in fact Nina had stabbed herself with the glass when Lily comes to the door of Nina's room.

That's all I'm going to say on that as I'm still trying to understand it and I can't.

Anyway now to some ranting, or bitching whichever you want to call it.  I know I said I'd try to keep the bitching and moaning out of here but sometimes it just slips in. 

I'm trying to figure out why I rolepay.  It never seems like anyone wants to roleplay with me. Or when they do, we get the characters figured out for a storyline and then they fuck it over. It's happened way to many fucking times for my liking.  I find out tonight that a storyline I thought was going to happen with a friend of mine, she decided to have her character hook up with someone else therefore fucking over my storyline. The one where she made her character specifically for me. Yeah can we say pissed.  Just a little. I'm so fucking sick of that shit.  Hence me rethinking the whole idea of Roleplaying in the first place. It's just driving me crazy.  Maybe I should just stick to World of Warcraft. At least there I don't have to worry about getting fucked over.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

My week keeps getting better and better, oh and a Crying Damon Salvatore.

So my week went from shit to really shitty! Monday I get the text message about Calvin, so spent two days sort of not really in the whole wanting to do much of anything, then I get a phone call from Petsmart, which I applied to.  But it wasn't for a job like I'd been hoping.  It was to make an appointment for Hershey to have his grooming.  Then as I'm sitting watching the new Vampire Diaries (where Damon Salvatore is crying AGAIN.  OMG so HAWT when he cries) I get told that Leo's uncle had a major heart attack and died while down in Mexico with his wife.  We only saw them December 27th and neither one of them looked like they weren't healthy.

So yes my week hasn't been the greatest. 

Though there have been some happier moments this week.  Last night Leo said yes to me taking the Pet Grooming Certificate so I started that and took two exams already.  The first one I got 93 on it and the second I got 100. :) WOOT!

Ok jumping back to Vampire Diaries.  I had completely forgot that tonight was the start of the new Episodes. I like to say I have a healthy obsession with Damon Salvatore,  or maybe it's a healthy obsession with Ian Somerhalder?  Either way I love him.  Maybe it's the blue eyes or something.  I don't know.  But tonight's episode Damon had to kill Rose. Rose, who kidnapped Elena and was going to give her to the one of the Original's.  But I'm not going there. Anyway Rose had been bitten by a werewolf and we all know that werewolf bites are fatal to vampires.  So yes she was basically going crazy.  Tried to kill Elena and the whole shebang.

Anyway Ian, oops I mean, Damon tried to talk to Jules who is a werewolf, the wolf in fact that bit Rose in the first place, to find out if there was a cure but alas there wasn't, or if there is Juels wasn't talking and told him the only cure was to put a stake into her heart.   So we move on.

Didn't see much of Stefan this epi but really I wasn't worried.  Damon looked so sad throughout the episode.  Just before he killed Rose, with the stake, he controlled her dreams and took her back to the place she grew up.  Let her have that happy time before he would totally betray her and kill her.  You see him actually shed tears as he does it and she basically dies in her arms.  I wanted wrap my arms around him.

So there's other stuff that happens, like he talks to Sheriff Forbes and shows her the dead vampire, since there were people who were killed, and then returns home to see Elena there. They have a conversation and you can see the gears in Damons head shifting already.  He is sooooooo crazy about Elena.  Needless to say he's completely distraught.





They left tonight's episode with Damon laying in the middle of the road, of course drunk, a woman stops her car to see if he's alright.  Yes there's an idea, a dark road in the middle of no where, let's stop the car and get out cause we're all alone.  Eventually D gets up and compels her not to move, so she's frozen.  He goes into a spiel and all that then says he isn't going to kill her, lets her go and then before you know it he's actually killing her and drinking her blood.  Major tears cause you knows he's hurting when he says that he can't be what she wants him to be.  And in that line you know damn well he's talking about Elena as the she part.

And so that ends my night, well sort of. Still gonna rp a bit, maybe do some more studying not sure.  Either way here's a last sad picture of Damon Salvatore so we can ALL have good dreams about a tall brooding vampire, that isn't Edward Cullen. (not that I don't like Edward Cullen)



.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Stayed up to late last night, now can't think of a cleaver title.

So I applied to Petsmart for their Pet Grooming salon. They're opening a new one not to far from me.  It's work.  I'll take what I can get.  They called today. I got all excited thinking I was being called for an interview, they called to see about making an appointment for Hershey since he's due for a grooming.  Needless to say my hopes fell hard and fast.  LOL 

So manged to convince Leo into letting me take a course through ICS Canada for a course. I've looked at a few different ones a few different times, but it never seemed to work out.  So the course I'm taking is for the Pet Grooming certificate.  It looks really interesting.  I've already taken Hairdressing so hopefully that'll help me out when it comes to actually clipping and stuff. :)  Eventually I may think about opening my own Grooming salon.  Though that's years from now. 

Everyday I go and check out Big Fish Games to see what new releases are there.  I find the odd ones that I really really like, but I don't want to spent the money buying them.  I spend time searching for the torrents to get them to play them til I beat the games.  Yesterday I went searching for a torrent for one game that I had fun trying and kept coming up with torrents that didn't work or that were corrupted or whatever, til I found a blog that actually has the download links to the full cracked versions!  I'm like in serious heaven right now!  I've been able to find a lot of my dash/time management type games in one place!  LOVING it! 

So my first guest blog spot will be up on Friday at Julie's.  Don't know how good it is, but the one friend who I ran it by said it was good.  I've never been confident in my writing, hell I'm always questioning how well I do with my Roleplaying.  I always think I suck, but everyone tells me no I don't.  If I'm honest I question myself how good am I at everything I do in my life. 

I've questioned if I'm a good mother, Alex seems to think so sometimes.  I've question if I'm a good enough wife, I'm still married and have been for 5 years, or is it 6?  Music I question, writing I question.  I guess my life is just meat to be full of questions that I don't seem to be able to say "Yes you are good enough. You are fantastic."  I guess that comes from always being told I'd never amount to anything or that I wasn't ever good enough.  Talk about the self confidence issue.

Anyway I'll leave this here to continue on with my online portion of school.




Alex was pretending he was a dog with Dixie looking on in the background.
I'll leave this with a few pictures I've taken while working on my photography.  Enjoy. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I dreamed a dream

So I sit here and deal with my depression.  Lovely.  As I sit here I think about what makes me happy, what works as my therapy besides the damn pills.  One word comes to mind, are you ready for it?  HORSES.  Now that doesn't surprise anyone who knows me I know, because you all know how much I love the beautiful beast who gallops across the fields, or races around that oval track on any given Sunday on racetracks around the world.  They can help you get through anything.  Usually. 

Getting back to me in general.  I've dreamt, as I'm sure almost every little girl has done, of having my own pony, only with me being as tall as I was and still am, it was always the horses.  When I was younger my parents had no problems putting me in baseball, swimming, I shudder at this one-Soccer, Girl guides, and yes even bowling.  Now don't get me wrong, with the exception of Soccer, I loved every one of the activities I was in. But when you're tall and skinny, and incredibly uncoordinated, you don't feel comfortable doing much.  I did excel at Bowling and Swimming, and loved camping with the Girl Guides, but what I really wanted more than anything in the world was riding lessons.  Anytime I would mention it I was confronted with my mother's voice-which to this day I can still hear her saying these exact words- "We don't have a horse so what's the point?" This coming from a women who at the tender age of 19, while she lived at home with her parents, had not just one but two horses and a foal.

Now as I sit here at 31, almost 32, ok in about 7 months.  I can't help but wonder what I've been doing that's screwed my chances for having a horse, or even having lessons. Once I turned sixteen I was given the ok to go out and pay for my own lessons as I was working and making my own money.  The first set of riding lessons lasted me MAYBE three months.  Then I was let go of my job and just couldn't afford lessons. 

Sat on the sidelines watching Show Jumping on TV, thank god events from Spruce Meadows were/are always televised, until I met Leo.  At the wonderful age of 20. We met, he told me he didn't care if I worked. Got to love that.  I decided to see about working in exchange for lessons. It was perfect.  I would learn to ride, learn to look after the magnificent beasts I had loved for as long as I could remember, and it would only cost the cost of gas, well and boots.  I had my own helmet from a previous relationship who's parents had horses and had bought me my riding helmet.   That worked well til the barn owner turned out to be a drunk and left me to do much of the work in the barn while she slept til noon.  I spent my days at the barn, and sometimes well into the evening as well before I would think to come and pick Leo up after work.  It didn't matter we made it work and it worked for us. 

I left that first barn a mere nine months after starting there.  For all the work I was doing I was only getting like 20 minute lessons at best.  I then found someone to teach me on their TB (Throughbred) mare, for a decent amount. $20 for an hour lesson, which usually ended up being more than the hour.  That worked well again.  Trouble was that didn't last.

Next barn.  I took a bit of a break after that.  Just financially we couldn't do it.  I think that's about the time we were thinking about having the wedding.  So after a few years I started riding at a new barn. This one was great.  Until they got to expensive even for group lessons. So once again I was left without a place to ride. 

Come the next barn.  This worked well for a few more months, even had Alli follow me from one barn to this new one.  They were an A circuit barn.  What's an A circuit barn you ask? It's a barn that is for serious competitors.  They usually compete like EVERY weekend.  And it's expensive to show on that circuit.  Hell it's getting to be expensive on any circuit.  So I left there when I got pregnant.  I may have stayed there but I was blessed with carrying the best thing in the world.  My little man. My monkey. 

So I quit riding to have him, I probably could have continued but my mom had three miscarriages before she had me and I had had enough trouble getting pregnant in the first place, so wasn't taking that chance.  I had him and was happy being a stay at home mom for a little while anyway.  I did that for about a year, well almost a year, when I found another barn to work at.  It was just weekends so that let me with plenty of time to be home with him during the week.  It worked well.  I was even back into riding again.  Things were great.  For a time anyway.  Insert the first major injury I have ever sustained.

Now don't think that I hadn't fallen from a horse up til this point, so not true.  I've had my fair share of riding falls, head hitting the arena wall comes to mind. But this one was so bad, it landed me in the hospital for a three day stay as well as surgery.  I now have a plate with eight screws on the left side of the left ankle and a pin on the right side of the same ankle.  When I do thinks I don't do them half way. I like to be sure it's done damn good.  Hence the breaking of the Tibia, Fibia and dislocating it all at once. 

So anyway that left me unable to walk for awhile.  I stayed away from riding and horses for about a year and a half.  2007 I decided I wanted to work and ride again.  Alex, my little monkey, was now old enough that it shouldn't have bothered him so much.  I was again only working weekends.  Saturday and Sunday, all day. Then Monday to Friday would have been mommy and Alex time.  I lasted four months at that job cause Alex started throwing fits when I would drop him off for playschool.  So that kind of sucked for me, meant giving up riding yet again.

I just couldn't shake the need to be around horses, and taking in their scent.  You know the one, the one that's of hay mixing with dust, and dampness.  It's a great smell if you are a horse person.  So in May of 2008 I got another weekend job.  This time it worked amazingly well.  Alex was happy, wasn't throwing fits, I was able to work.  And had even started riding again.  Alli is an amazing coach.  I would probably still have been there if it wasn't for finding a Monday to Friday barn job that had me doing stalls from 8-3.  Shoveling stalls seven days a week is not my idea of fun.  So I quit the weekend job.  A lot of good it did me. I worked at the new job for a month.  The month of December in 2008 then found out I was pregnant so that meant quitting that job, only to turn around and have a miscarriage, the first of three apparently.

I went a really long time between then and the last time I was on a horse.  The last time was July 16, 2010. The one and only day in my most recent history.  I remember that day clear enough because that is the date of my 2nd most serious accident. Or maybe it is the most serious. 

How this happened was that Alli started to run a barn of her own, well sort of.  She was like the weekday barn manager and I guess you could say I was weekends.  We only had nine horses so it wasn't like there was all that much to do, but there was a lot of cleaning and getting it ready for boarders and students.  It worked well the big two weekends I was there.  Anyway I thought "This is my chance to finally be able to ride and get good and show.  How can I not? I'm going to ride with a former Olympian." Everything was FINALLY going my way.  July 16 I got in the van and drove to the barn of the former Olympian brushed and tacked up.  We just did a walking lesson working on stretching and balance, which for me, being 6ft tall was a good thing.  I'm afraid a lot of the balance thing just kind of fell to the side when I was younger.  So the lesson was great.  We talked about goals and stuff.  Time for the dismount.  I don't really remember to clearly on what happened, but when I went to dismount something happened and caused Winston, my trusty steed for the day, to shift.  I was already leaning forward and ready to dismount, unfortunetly it resulted in me landing on the ground in the arena, right shoulder first. I lay there and realized something serious happened.  Sure enough it ended up with ANOTHER trip to the hospital.  Of course I was no where near home when it happened.  So it was a stay in the hospital while they searched for one where the surgeon could take me.  The end result was a Broken/Dislocation of the right shoulder.  It hurt.  Let me tell you I can tell when we're getting bad weather. 

This was the first night I had done it.    
The morning after I was sent to another hospital and had surgery for them to put the shoulder back in place.





So that left me with unable to use my right arm for a few months and even now, six months later, I still don't have complete strength but it's usable. 

Now it's January 25, 2011 and I'm sitting here writing this out.  Why? Because I am feeling down, wondering if I'm just not meant to ride and have a horse.  I hear of other people who at 12 have a horse of their own, they get to ride whenever they want and don't have to worry.  I've been sitting here trying to find work instead of having to leave Leo to pay for everything, but I can't find anything. I keep seeing all these beautiful horse ads and I'm stuck wondering if I'll ever get to ride again.  I do get involved with horses still but it's hard when you're the one who wants to be up there, flying over the poles in the jump standards, racing around a ring, wondering if you'll ever see that day or will it just be another dream like the ones you had as a child that fade with the fading of the stars.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Good-bye old friend.

Such a great friend to us all.  An amazing young horse.  You were just coming into your own. Only nine years old when your mama had to make a hard choice.   You were such an amazing horse last show season. You jumped your heart out.  I knew you from the beginning, well when you were young and your mom got you as a rescue. She put her heart into you.  Worked with you, threatened to shoot you when you freaked out like a young colt. But she never would have.  You were taken out in your prime by Equine Lymphangitis. You had it once before and recovered.  As much as it hurt all of us to have to think about not having you around, your mom didn't want you to suffer either. She made such a difficult choice to keep you from going stir crazy in your stall while you healed, if you would have healed at all.  She was only thinking about the best for you.  As much as it hurt, she did what was best.  




We're always going to remember you as a healthy, big boy who jumped his heart out for his mom.  As much as a pain it was to keep you clean, it was worth it even to be slobbered on. 

I remember sitting at Waymark holding your lead line while you munched on grass and your mom was either eating or walking the course. You were such a silly boy when you decided to step on your lead line and scare yourself. I wish I had a picture of it.  But as soon as you figured out what you had done you settled right back into eating again as if nothing happened.  As long as there was food around you were quite happy to be munching on it.  

I saw you go from a skinny Thorughbred to the beautifully handsome boy you were at the end.  Maybe even slightly fat.  No one would have ever guessed that you'd come from OLEX where if Alli hadn't gotten you, you may have ended up going for meat. 





Alli and I always said this was your "How can I get out of the rest of my classes" pic.  It was after this picture was taken that we discovered you had injured yourself and Alli pulled you from the rest of your classes.  We both said it was a good thing you were cute.  

I always threatened to kick Alli's ass if she tried to sell you.  There were times she'd thought about it.  Luckily she never did. I knew she wouldn't.  Of course whenever she rode other crazy horses I always said that I'd take you if she was killed.  I'd have protected you and spoiled you. 


I never got to ride you, I wasn't brave enough knowing that you could be flighty at times.  But you were always loved. Even if your mom didn't like you at a given point you could always be promised a scritch from me. 



You always did know what to do.  Sometimes you scared the crap out of Alli, but we all laughed about it later. Your last jump at Vanbrook comes to mind. 


 Now that you've crossed that Rainbow Bridge, you don't have to worry about having to stand out in the cold, or the rain and you can munch on lush green grass as much as you like.  You've earned it good friend.  You'll be missed so much but we all know you're no longer in pain. We love you. 

You've left us with so many happy memories and so much love.  You won't ever be replaced and will always be loved. 

Love you Calvin Klein. 







 







A sad good-bye

Today a friend of mine had a sad good bye to say to a faithful friend.  I'm crying with her, even if he wasn't my horse.  She had to put her horse, Calvin down today.  She got him as a rescue and loved him, trained him and worked with him to get him to be the star he was.  He was such a good horse.  I remember being at a show with Alli, as her show bitch-that title consisted of being groom, horse handler and photographer all rolled into one. It was the best.  But I remember being at one show with Alli and I had to hold Calvin while she went and walked the course.  I was able to literally sit on the ground and he just stood there munching on the grass around me. 

I remember when Alli got him and how skinny he looked.  She fattened him up and got him looking as wonderful as he did.  

He's now passed over that Rainbow bridge, no longer in pain, staying out of the rain-he was a prince after all couldn't have him getting wet.  He's munching on grass in his favorite spot-anywhere away from work.  

Love you Calvin.  You will be missed.  You were a star that walked the earth.  You won't ever be forgotten. 


Even in the rain you still worked hard. 


The most handsomest of all.


You loved what you did and worked hard for Alli.

Always a superstar.

Even scary liverpools didn't stop you.




Always had to give Alli and "Oh Shit" moment giving us all a laugh.
9 years young.  Way to soon to leave us.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The start of something

So everyone else has these blogs so I thought I'd actually start one.  Not sure how well I'll keep up as I'm terrible at it usually.  Anyway.  The name is Carrie.  Mother of one 2 legged child, 3 feline children and 2 canine children.  Married and trying to convince the husband that we need either one or two (or more) equine children as well. So far he hasn't bought it.  I'll keep working on him.


So what is this gonna be for? Usually the journals are the rantings. This I'm going to try and avoid the rantings but sometimes it may slip up and there may be a few in here.


I've recently picked up writing again.  Mind you can it really be called "Picked up" when you don't actually have to pick up a pen nowadays? Maybe I should say started writing again.  That's probably better.  Mind you it's all saved on the computer.  I do have to make a note to myself that I'll need to pick up a portable hardrive just to keep all the writing on and safe.  I've also started really working on some photography. I got a new camera before Christmas from hubby and absolutely love it.  I had been going to friend's horse shows trying to prove to him that I needed a new camera and it finally worked.  Got the Canon Eos Rebel T1i and I am in love with it.  I've taken a few online photography courses.   I'm going to post the difference in pictures between what I was using and the Canon, just to compare.

This is my friend on her horse at one of the horse shows back in June.  This was just a digital Camera as opposed to the Digital Single Lens Reflex camera that has become yet another of my children.


Same friend, same horse but the new camera. :) The first weekend I had it.  LOVE it!



So I guess what I'm saying is this will probably be for photography and writing.  Possibly, not sure yet we'll have to see what happens.

And now I bid you adieu.  Though not sure who's reading it.